That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
Romans 10,9

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God´s healed me of despair

Pavla Genzerová

…My problems´ve completely filled up my heart and mind and I´ve stopped perceiving God although I prayed to Him every day.As if God´d ceased existing.All of a sudden I was feeling terribly alone. God´s healed me of despair


Three years ago last autumn I gave my life over to Jesus Christ.I´ve been going through plenty of joys but also anguish since then. I´d like to write about an experience.
More than a year ago I took a job after the maternity leave and a year period of unemployment.I was very enthusiastic and thought I hit the jackpot ( if only for the reason that I had to pass an open competition to a post which I gained ).I was enjoying my work and approximately during the first three months I was completely satisfied.Later, I started meeting with unwillingness, lack of interest. lack of understanding and unacceptance by my fellow workers.No matter what I did I wasn´t able to please them. I haven´t pleased even my boss many times.These relations didn´t get better, far from it! In addition to all this, I started having some health complaints after half a year.
The medicines had no effect, a sick leave or a month sick note were of no use either.After about two months I took a decision to quit my job ( for health reasons ).It was really very difficult to decide, I didn´t want to lose this job.I´ve been praying all the month to make a good decision.I remember that crying during a Mass I asked the Lord for the light in this matter.I told him:“My Lord, I don´t know what to do, what´s better for me.I can´t understand this situation.However,I´m handing my job over to you and I don´t cling to it anymore.Do to me what you like.If you like me to leave this job, I´ll do it.Let me know it somehow, please“.On next weekday I´ve already known that I´m with the firm for the last time and I really have to leave ( to all my associates´ astonishment ).But expected calmness and health improvement didn´t arise.Gradually some doubts,self-regret, inferiority complex, dissatisfaction, unease in my heart, pain, fear and uncertainty´ve arisen.
I began to go to see doctors, look for psychologists´ help, I studied different kinds of psychotherapy and thought even of doing yoga exercises ( as I´d been advised ).I was looking for anything that´d help me. My problems´ve completely filled up my heart and mind and I´ve stopped perceiving God although I prayed to him every day.As if God´d ceased existing.All of a sudden I was feeling terribly alone.I didn´t feel like going to church, praying, attending the prayer meeting.Simply nothing.Many times I´ve been even sick and tired of living.Only my family kept me going, I lived for them although I felt sick..A week before Chrismas I was fed up with everything.I blamed God for everything.I reproached God for taking away my health, work and finally my heart´s peace.I told him he was only tormenting me.
I´ve stopped being interested in the life with him and I wasn´t simply able to go on like this.Out of despair I asked for the „interceding“ prayer ( it wanted a little bit of humility ).Then, something´s changed.The next day wasn´t the same as the previous one.Peace and joy reigned within me.I perceived it all the day long and I´ve been perceiving it until now.I haven´t got up with fear and fright of how I´d live through that day but happy to meet Jesus Christ.I started looking forward to every new day.There´s nothing like a desperate person getting the new hope .There´s nothing like a desperate person meeting Jesus again.It´s amazingly liberating.God´s love filled up completely my heart and I stopped looking for various forms of treatment.
Since I found out that none of people could give me internal peace, love, encouragement, hope and certainty.It´s only God who gives that. And I haven´t longed for anything else anymore.This experience was a sort of help for me because when I viewed myself truthfully I came to the conclusion that the greatest success of my life doesn´t consist in my professional fulfillment but in meeting living and loving God.I wouldn´t change my place with anyone else.I realized again that I craved for so many „things“ in my life but the most important one was still escaping me.I´m very happy although I´m still out of work and I still have health troubles.( in a smaller degree, though ).However, all my problems are much more bearable now.I want to encourage all of you who are reading my story and are worried or desperate. We can´t avoid suffering in this world but God is ready to help us and compensate us this pain by his love many times over.However, we have to admit we can´t help by ourselves and we must believe he´s able to do it.It´s good to open your heart to God and show him your pain, you can simply tell him what we´re unsatisfied with.
God likes giving his graces but it´s up to us to ask for them.He´s waiting for it.
It´s not for the first time ( and perhaps for the last time either ) that I´ve stopped trusting God and lost that internal peace and joy.But I´m not desperate.It´s not important how many times we´re going to fall in our life but it´s important to stand up again and go on, go and look for the essential thing in the life, that is – seek God, seek Jesus Christ……
Praise, honour, glory and my sincere thanks to You, my Lord“
                                                                                     Pavla Genzerová
                                                                                     Zlín  January 2004

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